2015 A Year That Was

2015, what a year that was!   I was overwhelmed by how much ‘letting go’ and ‘moving on’ that I had to go through.  Having said that, you could probably guess how painful that year was.

January came in and Bang! Bad news, the management would no longer renew my working visa. In short – I lost my job. Can you imagine the endless “how do I” that filled my head? ‘How do I pay my bills? How do I support my family? How do I pay my rent?’  I haven’t recovered yet from the heavy expenses I made last December – we moved to a new house which made me pay ‘1 month deposit-1 month advance’ worth of rent, A holiday trip to South Korea, holiday gift shopping for family & friends.  No chance to recover.

I left Singapore not sure what to feel but it was more of “what’s gonna happen to me?”  kind of feeling.  I can still remember how I cried when the plane took off, carrying that fear, the fear of not knowing what lies ahead.

I arrived in Manila and that was in April.  My sister-in-law just gave birth to a lovely baby girl (finally a niece), my mother’s 60th birthday, and my brother’s college graduation.  It was a month of celebration indeed, and that made me forget what I was going through.

I found time to join a group, for a day hike at Mt. Pico de Loro, – I’ve been wanting to do this.

Fast forward to the end part of the year, it took me how many months to finally accept – partially – such fate.  The longest moving on I ever had in my life.  Well, maybe because it wasn’t just losing a job that I had to moved on with, it was also about losing a great love partner – it was a true love which means a true heartache.  Also in 2015, I lost my best friends, more than 10 years of great friendship ended.

In October, I finally decided to end the self-pity moments and find a job.  And yes, I found one.  In this month as well, I was able to bond with relatives (father’ side) whom I have not seen for more than 10 years – well thanks to a cousin’s wedding held in Manila.

November came and I finally started work. Finally something to do! And the best part, I went to one of the places I’ve always wanted to visit – El Nido, Palawan.

Time flies!  Today I can officially say, “I came back a year-ago!”  But looking back and writing this, I have to admit that I am not completely healed.  But I am grateful that it doesn’t really hurt me that much anymore.  There’s so much to learn from what happened.  I am thankful to those who didn’t judge me and my decision or what happened to me, but just remained to be my friend.

True enough, people really do come and go despite long years of togetherness, or that strong promise of “not letting each other go”. There are those that may consider you as part of their job description, when you are no longer a colleague that’s “thanks for the help and bye”. But to be fair, during those days when you were still so-called friends, the so-called friendship felt real.  So I guess, enjoy everything you can enjoy with them while they are IN your life it will leave you with no regrets in the end.

Time wise, I find a busy day hard, but doing nothing is harder.

Having so much extra time means having so much time for self-assessment.  Few things that made me realize the cause of me losing my confidence.

• First, I allowed myself to settle for what I already know.  I stopped enhancing my skills, stopped reading and didn’t do research to enhance my work knowledge.  When I was looking for a new job, I wanted to try something else but   “What do I know?” Being a reports analyst (not even considered an expert in this field) that’s all I know.  I made that “limitation” to myself.
• Secondly, for the past few years I forgot to stay humble and grateful.  The feeling that you’re always in competition with someone made me push myself more in projecting the competitive side of me.  Ignoring those around me and not appreciating what that I have.

So when I lost my job, it felt like I lost the game and this cost me my confidence.

The next question was: “What’s next?”  A very simple answer: Start Over. And it took me months to figure this out.

And so I did.  Today, I live a simple, healthy lifestyle.  I quit smoking, gave up my weekly binge drinking session.  I replaced it  with healthy eating, regular exercise, new skin care routine, and so on.  I am very open to try new things that will make me a better person.

So much has changed and it’s only been a year.  As I continue to move on, I am thankful for the job I have now. Having a quiet boss is new to me and I like it by the way. This job allows me to travel, and in that travel I meet simple and real people-of the- world.  Those people making me street “smarter”, those showing me how it will be like to step out of my comfort zone,  those transforming me to be more spontaneous and enough of being that “reserved” type.  Now, I will continue to surround myself of people with positive vibes and outlook. Everything is falling into place, and yes it may be slow, but I will definitely get there.

“When you’re young your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then you grow up an learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap, and sometimes you don’t leap at all, because there’s not always  someone there to catch you. And in life there’s no safety net.

When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” – Carrie Bradshaw